Saudade
by kongousouha
Summary: Saudade: souˈdädə/ noun a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia. A little over four years have passed since Kagome has returned to Inuyasha, and what has he done with it?


**ok guys! several kind people said that it repeated twice, which was weird bc i couldnt find anything wrong with the doc, so i tried another way of uploading it. here u go! cover credit goes to .com.**

 **-al**

"Inuyasha, how long will you live?"

"Tch, always with the questions. I dunno, seven or eight centuries?"

Last week they had celebrated Kagome's twenty-second birthday. Four years of her being with him, Inuyasha, permanently, no entrance exam demons or time hopping. It felt both unreal and bittersweet. Sometimes he woke up and had to make himself believe that the futuristic girl really was right beside him. It was distant, but vibrant, down to the last flyaway strand of hair to each retreating huff as she picked up village children. "Boy! You're getting heavy," she would tell one or another chubby human brat, and it was then he knew it was real.

So here they were now, all sat around the fire in Miroku and Sango's hut. They had already given her presents: a silver comb from Shippo, a nice tea set from Sango and Miroku, and then, finally, a beautiful kimono from Inuyasha. Inuyasha had racked up quite a bit of money working with Miroku for the three years he did, and it was hardly a dent to buy the kimono. It was beautiful, pale pink with olive green fern and purple flowers, with a matching blue obi. There was hardly an occasion for Kagome to wear it, but Inuyasha knew she missed the fraudulent but pretty clothes of the modern era, so he did what he could. Kagome blubbered and hugged him all the same.

So they went onto eating and drinking. Kagome smiled and nodded and quietly complained without any real seriousness about how they were not able to have cake, and how cake had sugar and flour and you would love it, Haruko. Inuyasha wondered if he should have gone to the mainland for sugar so she could have a cake but then he realized he had no idea how to bake a cake _._ Sango and Miroku's brood clustered around Kagome's knees, which counting at four now with one on the way, all tugging at her hakama for attention. She laughed and obliged them as she could. She picked up Taro, the first boy of the family in one hand, Hanako in the other, and left the twins, Haruko and Haruki to hold steadfast onto her legs. She faked a roar and dragged them along. "I seem to have parasites on my legs, Inuyasha," she told him.

"C'mon runts, it's her stinkin' birthday, she don't need you hangin' all over her," Inuyasha had interrupted, and with two hands, pulled up Hatsuko and Hatuski from her legs like pulling two radishes from the ground. Kagome put down Taro to toddle off and Hanako to crawl off, and then she laughed in a way few priestesses ever have and placed a hand on his forearm. "Inuyasha, let them play."

Her hands were calloused from hard work, but very gentle. He let the squirming twins down, eyes caught on Kagome.

So they drank and feasted and celebrated, and after a while they pawned off the children on Kaede for a couple hours so it could be a little like old times; just Miroku, Sango, Shippo, Kagome, and him. Sure, Shippo was a foot bigger and Miroku didn't cover his left hand anymore, but the way they talked and joke and ate, it might as well have been. Kagome held his hand even when people were looking.

But they had to retire eventually, as Miroku had promised his girls that he would be home soon after dark and Taro refused to sleep unless he gave him a sutra to 'banish away all the mean demons'. "The way you act, it's like they're the parents, Miroku." Kagome teased. Her hand tightened on Inuyasha's as Miroku's head whipped his way, eyes narrowed in suspicion. Inuyasha shrugged, guiltless.

"Inuyasha would be the same way, Kagome. Twisted around their little fingers," Sango called. With an undignified giggle, she mimicked something being wrapped around her forefinger with a twirl. The monk let out a snort, which he tried to hide behind one sleeve, to his credit.

Inuyasha had not been paying attention. "Hey, who said shit about us havin' pups!" Inuyasha turned to look at Kagome, searching for an answer. She pressed her lips together to stifle a laugh and shrugged. He turned back to Miroku and pointed a clawed finger. "Don' start shit about us havin' pups," he warned. Miroku faked an innocent look, palms in the air.

"We didn't say anything about you having kids, Inuyasha. You came to that conclusion to yourself," Shippo said, and Sango broke off into giggles at Inuyasha's stupefied face.

Although Miroku and Sango had to leave, and soon Shippo, too, Kagome and Inuyasha stayed together through the night, talking until them, too, slept. When they did, it was quietly and with each other at their side.

Inuyasha and Kagome were almost inseparable. Almost being the keyword. They both needed their space, and Kagome frequently reminded him in a less than polite way.. She would send him off to kill a demon, or yell at him, or sit him. After all, Kagome was the priestess of the village, and constantly had some brat or human cloistered in her general space. _Lady Kagome, heal this little bruise, Lady Kagome, show me the poisonous flowers, Lady Kagome, purify the dangerous demon,_ yadda yadda yadda. However, even Kagome had had enough of the villagers sometimes, and this time was one of those occasions. The two had escaped to the Dry Well. She sat in the grass, her billowing hakama contrasting with the green meadow, and he was crouched on the dry well itself.

Inuyasha took a casual sniff of the air. No demons, no humans, no foxes, no guests. Kagome hadn't said anything since her question, which was unusual. Why was she so concerned with how long he lived? He didn't even know for sure about how long he lived.

"Why you askin', wench?" Inuyasha let his impatience get the better of him.

"Asking what?" Kagome replied.

"You know what. How long I'll live! Mind you, it's an estimate 'cause not many hanyou ever fuckin' lived infancy anyway. Hell, all I know, I could drop dead tomorrow," He said, his hands finding solace within his oversized sleeves.

"Do you really think you're going to drop dead tomorrow, Inuyasha?"

"Feh. 'Course not. Who would keep you out of trouble?"

Kagome had been on her rear, hands planted behind her to keep her in a sitting position. At that she moved her hands and plopped back onto her back, a round face tilted back to look at him. A grin slid up on her features. "Admit it. You wanna stay because you l _ooooooooove_ me."

His face flushed. "Keh."

The miko sobered and rolled over onto her stomach. Green grass stains marred her shirt. Inuyasha sighed. Didn't the woman know how hard those were to get out? "The reason I was asking, Inuyasha," she began, fingers absent-mindedly digging through the lawn, "It's because my life just seems so insignificant compared to yours. I mean, eight centuries! Eight! Maybe if I'm really, _really_ lucky I'll live one. Probably not even that. Doesn't that bothers you?"

Inuyasha hopped off of the well and squatted next to her. "'Gome, why are you thinkin' such depressin' shit? A century, half a century, who cares? I have you now, don't I?"

She squeaked and twitched, exasperated. " _I_ care! I want to be with you as long as _you_ live, not just as long as I live!" She covered her face with her hands and let out a trembly little sigh. Inuyasha sniffed desperately. No tears yet. He peeked over her head, just in case his nose was wrong (it never was), and he didn't see any wetness between her fingers.

Kagome sighed and dropped her hands to the grass. Idly, she began to pull it out and drop it on the hanyou. "That's sappy, Kagome," he said as he brushed off every handful. "Maybe it is," she said thoughtfully. "But I've been putting thought into it. A lot of thought, in fact. A whole ton of thought, Inuyasha!" She got on her elbows, and looked at him closely.

"Keh. So, you've been puttin' thought in, so what? You just tryna tell me that your brain is workin'?" Kagome let out a sigh and rolled her eyes. She reached out and took his hand in-between hers.

"Inuyasha, I want to be with you for as long as possible."

"Wench, you just said that—,"

"No. Inuyasha, I want to be _with you_ for the rest of my life, maybe even after that," He squinted his eyes but squeezed her hand. "I don't ever want to be with anyone else. Ever. I came back to be with you _always_ , Inuyasha."

"'Gome, get to the point. What are you implyin'?" He knew perfectly well what she was implying. Doesn't mean it made any more fuckin' sense. Kagome's sweet face turned red out of frustration. She got up so fast (as fast as a human like Kagome could get, he guessed) and took his shoulders in her hands. He leaned back, bewildered.

"Inuyasha, you thick-headed jerk! I want you to _marry me_!" Birds departed from the forest.

There were several pregnant beats of silence.

"What?" He finally said.

"Marry me, Inuyasha!"

"Kagome, that's not gon' work."

"Why wouldn't it? Of course it would. Miroku could officiate it!"

"Well, for one, hanyou don't get married. For two, miko don't get married, either. It's just ain't gon' work, Kagome."

To his absolute horror, Kagome began to tear up so fast he couldn't even backpedal his way out of it. She sat back on her heels and wiped at her eyes. Her lip wobbled. "Are you saying you don't wanna marry me, Inuyasha?" Then fat, wet tears rolled down her dirt-stained face, dripping off her rounded chin, and to his _heart-wrenching stomach-curling horror,_ she began sobbing. Huffy breaths, whines and all.

"Wench, don't—," He began, reaching for her shoulders.

"You stupid, stupid jerk!" Kagome began to lightly beat on his chest with her fists. He wasn't sure if it was her full strength, but it sure didn't feel like it. "I— _oooooh_ , did you just expect— Sango said— I cannot believe— _four stupid years—_ " she rambled, absolutely besides herself.

"Kagome, that's—," He tried again.

"Was I just gonna hang around like, like— still caught on all this stupid hanyou and miko business— Naraku— _four damn years,"_ Kagome continued yelling, her fists gaining intensity as she thought too fast for her thoughts to come out right.

"Kagome, I—"He tried to speak over her yelling, but it was a well-known fact that Kagome could almost out-yell you.

" _Stupid, stupid Inuyasha!"_ He felt it coming from the bottom of his soul. Kagome pushed away from him and began the familiar screech, " _Inuyasha, I can't believe you!"_ Wait. No sit? Whatever, that doesn't matter right now.

"Kagome, would you shut up for one damned second so I can talk?" He finally raised his voice over hers. It was a well-known fact that he could out yell anybody, including Kagome. "I never fuckin' said I didn't want to marry you, okay?"

Kagome's tear-streaked, red, snotty face gazed up at him, and it wasn't a becoming sight, but the sparkle her cerulean eyes took on made it all worth it. "R-really?" She whimpered, voice subdued and quiet.

"Yes! For fuck's sake 'Gome, I'd follow you to the end of the world if you so much as asked and you think I wouldn't marry you? Idiotic girl," He grouched, his voice retreating into the animalistic growl. He shoved his hands back into his sleeves and turned his face away in an effort to hide his hurt.

The silence was thick and full. He loved Kagome with an intensity he had never felt before. It was stronger than a thousand battle highs, a thousand Backlash Waves, a million sits. He would die for her. But she wanted him to live for her, and that's why he stayed. But he'd never in dozen centuries considered _getting married_ to her. The last time he had even considered marriage was with Kikyou, all those years ago, and that was unreachable unless he were mortal.

And Kagome didn't want a mortal. She wanted him. Which brought him to the conclusion that she were going to live in dishonorable harlotry until she grew old and died. This bothered him more than a tick in his side. Inuyasha was not rich. He had no home, no cattle, no wealth, no dowry, and no worth. He had his sword, the clothes on his back, and his word. The fact that he was throwing his honor out the window like that made him want to tear his hair out. He had _promised_ to be by her side forever, hadn't he? Marriage is how you are by someone's side forever. But it was too risky, so he tried to not think about it too much. He thought she didn't either.

But Kagome was honorable. She was honorable, and strong, and merciful, and kind and brave and she deserved more than a stigmatized living here as a harlot, a whore. But he were also too selfish to let her go. He let her go once, and she came back to you. Isn't that how the saying went? If you love something, let it go, and it's meant to be, it'll come back to you. Kagome came back to you. She'd _always_ come back to you. If he took two steps towards her, she'd run to you.

He know this. He _know_ this. But maybe he don't. Because you're still acting like a stupid, incorrigible hanyou who _hasn't married Kagome._ But still. A miko, married to a hanyou? Even after all he's done for this village, they still could run them off. He would be okay. It's happened before, and one more time isn't worth any skin off of his ears. But Kagome had never felt that rejection. She loved this place. This was her home away from the Modern Era. She knew the people by name. Sango and Miroku still lived here, and to be separated from Sango was certainly asking for sadness. It would tear her apart.

He couldn't do that to her, so he hadn't asked, hadn't allowed himself to even consider the possibility. But here it was. Kagome was _forcing_ him to see the possibility for a normal-ish life, with a wife and a home and even maybe… No! Head in the game Inuyasha. Back to the moment.

Kagome was looking at him with big, curious wet eyes. He hesitantly met her stare. "Kagome, if we get married, I can't tell ya that people would be happy about it," His voice started out weaker and quieter than he liked. He cleared his throat and tried again.

"I mean, you're attached to this place and all, and I'm just sayin' that we might not be able to stay, and if we are not ran out or somethin', you might not be able to stay a priestess since you won't be pure anymore or whatever," He trailed off, his face a violent red. He rubbed the back of his neck and forced himself not to look at her.

Here it comes. The "oh, that's how it is? Ok, let's not". Then they'd go back living dishonorably and pretend it never happened and Inuyasha would go back to tearing his hair out while staring at Kagome's dilapidated reputation.

"I don't care about that."

Wait. What?

"This place isn't my home, Inuyasha. We could move a thousand times, I don't care. Wherever you are is home."

Hold on. What? What? Was he hearing this wrong?

"I mean, I'm sort of at my purest with you, aren't I? Love is pure, isn't it? I don't think priestess powers have anything to do with all this purity junk like who I marry and love. It's all about what's inside, right? So I'll still have them." Kagome continued on, but after a while Inuyasha tuned her out.

Kagome wanted to marry him? Even with the possible side effects? The rejection? All of it? Inuyasha's heart was beating very, very fast. He could feel it hammering against his chest.

"Keh," he interrupted Kagome mid-word, although he did not feel 'keh'. She stared at him, her brows nettling together in irritation at being cut off. Her face changed from angry to stunned within the next four words. "Let's get married then."

"R-really?"

"Of course really. You think I'm jokin' or something? We don't have to get stupid human married if you're gonna raise such a fuss about it," Inuyasha huffed, defensively crossing his arms.

"Three sips and everything?"

"Duh."

Kagome stared at him for a long time, long enough for his ears to droop a little, before she let out a breathy little laugh. Inuyasha's ears perked back up at the faint, happy sound. Kagome kept laughing, kept giggling, even when Inuyasha crept closer to see what was wrong with her. "We're going to get married!" She exclaimed, as way of an explanation.

"Yeeeeeeah?" Inuyasha ventured, his voice dragging on hesitantly.

"Inuyasha!" The excited call blew out of Kagome, and before Inuyasha could think, he had 120 lbs of Kagome Higurashi coming into his chest. He let her topple them over, onto the grass, white and black hair mixing into green, still stupefied. Before he could shake her into her senses, Kagome was pressing her mouth into his, giggling still, laughing. "Kagom—," he mumbled against her lips, clawed hands reaching up to grab her elbows, but before he could finish her name, the twenty-two year old was dragging herself off the ground and away from him. There was a brief stab of hurt at the rejection, and Inuyasha sat up to watch her go.

But Kagome wasn't second guessing their decision. She was hopping up, slip-sprinting into her wooden geta, tugging up her hakama, and running full-tilt down the hill yelling, "Sango! Sango! I'm getting married! I'm going to get married! I told you he would!"

A disbelieving chuckle escaped Inuyasha. He let himself fall back onto the grass. "I'm getting married," he finished, in disbelief.


End file.
